His Space/Her Space

A while back, I asked about the messiest room in your home, and one reader commented:


Messiest room in the house? My husband's office. I can't see the carpet in there anymore. And it's messy because he's a packrat and won't throw out anything and won't let me near the mess either. Like I might make it worse or something :-)


If this sounds familiar, then you'll be happy to know that The House That Cleans Itself has a chapter called "Of Marriage and Mess," which helps you navigate the tricky waters of cleaning issues that involve your spouse. But because I, too, have a packrat for a husband, I was curious about his take on this specific comment. I read it to him, and this is what he had to say, which I thought was pretty insightful.


He reminded me that most men feel like the majority of their house is not really "theirs," i.e., like it belongs to her but not to him. Your husband may help pay the mortgage, he may have helped pick out the furniture, but it's a universal truth that deep in his heart he thinks of the house as yours in almost every way except that he just happens to live there.


That is why, if your husband has a space that's actually been designated as "his," then there's a good chance it's getting junked up simply because it's the only safe spot in the entire household where he can plop his things down and know they'll be left alone.  Even if that's not really true, it's how he feels. 


Thus, the key to getting his space clean and keeping it that way is this: Whatever organization or structure for cleanliness the room has, it has to be for HIS purposes, to make it so that HE can use the room better, not so that it will appeal to your sensibilities or taste or decor.  For example, maybe he needs more shelving in there, so he can get stuff off of the floor. Or maybe he doesn't really need everything that's in there and can pack up and cart away some of it, out to the shed or garage or attic. Maybe he needs help with establishing a simple filing system, or he just lacks a few big bins to keep it all sorted better. Whatever it takes to get that room cleaner, it has to work for HIM, not for you. Hard to hear, I know, but that's just how it is.


That's why the most important element involved here is a door, one that you can close so you don't have to see in there very often. Help him set up his designated space for his convenience, utilizing House That Cleans Itself principles as much as possible, then decide to ignore it to the extent that you are able.

Chances, are, what you sacrifice in overall household cleanliness you'll gain in marital harmony.
 :)